❝she was a beautiful dreamer.
the kind of girl who
kept her head in the clouds,
loved above the S T A R S
and left regret beneath the EARTH
she walked on.❞
“ as if im gonna say no. ” he gave her a look, shaking his head humorously as an inaudible chuckle fell from his lips. “ y’know, actually, i think we could all use a bit of practice. maybe check out a few books, learn some more defensive spells. if someone else gets it first, they can help teach the others and so on and so forth. what do you think? ”
❝i was counting on that, it’s always so nice when you let me have my way.❞ lily grinned, playfully jostling his hair before she stole a quick kiss, happily casting aside all thoughts of the newspaper and it’s heartbreaking articles. ❝i honestly think that’s brilliant. we could have classes, almost like hands on tutoring sessions, each session a new skill that might come in handy. wandless magic, how to defend yourself if you don’t have the upper hand, ways to hide even, certainly warrants a stroll down to the library to peruse the restricted section. there’s bound to be a few good books there, sev always said they keep the most powerful magic away from prying eyes.❞
“ LET ME SEE. ” he reached over and picked up the paper that she set down, his eyes scanning over the article as he nodded his head. things were certainly getting worse and it was becoming more and more difficult for people to hide. NOW EVERYONE KNEW. it couldn’t be thrown aside as paranoia. IT WAS REAL. “ honestly, you might be the only sane one left. ” offering her a small smile, he kissed her cheek and set the paper back down.
“ we’re almost outta here. man, those fuckers won’t know what hit ‘em. i mean … you alone. you have more skill and brains than most of those political elitists put together. ”
she looked over at him, her concern fading only slightly as an endearing gaze overtook her features. what frightened her most about the events that transpired just outside the confines of the aged brick walls was the possibility of losing james once they stepped out onto the true battlefield. ❝one of us has to be the voice of reason, but i’m pretty sure you’re the sane one now.❞ her eyes fluttered shut briefly as his lips brushed against her cheek, a brighter smile settling onto her lips. ❝we certainly have big plans. and i’ll give ‘em hell. they’re not taking me down so easily. speaking of, i’ve been meaning to ask you. any chance you might want to assist your dashing girlfriend in mastering the art of wand to wand combat?❞
james was never as good with words as lily was. she had a gift when it came to speaking her mind and making complete sense. oftentimes when james spoke, he ended up confusing everyone, including himself. he knew what he felt. he knew his hopes and his dreams and his fears, but he could never truly transfer them into script. he was a man who spoke with his eyes and his gestures. when he was angry, he kept his distance. when he loved someone, he remained close. it was as simple and straightforward as that. but at that moment he remained frozen, unsure of which gesture to make. of which expression to wear.
she was telling him things he had never known. not even a guess would’ve led him to those revelations and that made him lost. james thought he knew her and he was only now realizing that, despite how confident he had been in the matter, she was still a person with secrets. did he put her on a pedestal? was this his own doing?
after a moment of hesitation, he took a step forward, and then another, eventually taking a seat back on the bed as he reached for her hand. leaning back against his pillow and pulling her against his chest, he began to trace various shapes along her back with his fingertips.
“ i don’t know where to start. ” he whispered, his lips lost within her red hair as he kissed the top of her head. “ we’re gonna be okay. ”
“ … or maybe not. my ideas really ARE batshit. not safe … AT ALL. ” he smiled softly and to himself, letting his eyes shut once more as a sigh escaped his mouth. he and lily weren’t finished talking. not even close, really. yet even after everything that was said, he still felt comfortable sitting there with her in his arms. “ lily we’re young. we’re not supposed to know what the hell’s going on, but … at least with you, i feel like i have SOME semblance of an idea … did i use that word right? never mind. ” his smile remained steady and soft as he ran through the words in his mind.
“ i want you to know that you can always be honest with me. being afraid and having problems is universal. it’s not going to make me care for you any less. we need to stop pretending to be perfect because we’re not. NOT EVEN CLOSE. we … we fell for each other at a very dark time in our lives. it’s not gonna be easy and i think that’s why we need each other, because despite all of the horrible things that are happening right now, there is still light out there … my friends are mine. my family is mine. and you … you are mine. i guess i’ve grown possessive of the good things in my life. ”
he stopped speaking for a moment, his eyes fluttering open as he surveyed the ceiling above him. he thought silently of how the most romantic of stories were drenched in sadness and heartbreak. perhaps it was their turn to reap the happiness they now deserved. “ if you say you won’t leave me. that you’ll stay by my side … then i’ll believe you. ”
❝we’ll be okay.❞ she nodded, repeating his words as she settled into his arms, cuddling up closer him and resting her cheek against his chest as her eyes fluttered shut, her heart beat quickly normalizing now that she felt his embrace. ❝even when we’re not, i don’t want to leave. I’m sorry for how i’ve handled things in the past. it wasn’t how i should have dealt with it and you didn’t deserve for me to do that to you, but i will be better. like this, just talking through things, no matter how hard it is sometimes.❞
❝i feel like we just have to start over in a way. because to trust each other we have to know each other, and we only know some bits. and we’re still kids but we’re getting thrown into a situation where we have to act like we’re so much older than we are and i still want to be a kid with you, i want to make stupid mistakes, have sex like love sick bunnies, drink and play cards till sunrise. i want to be in a relationship with my best friend and have these happy moments where i’m completely comfortable but i also just want us to be a team because things aren’t getting easier any time soon. so i hope you can forgive me for what happened when we started dating. and thank you for believing that i’m going to be right here from now on.❞ a soft smile slowly crept onto her features as she propped herself up onto her shoulders, glancing down at him before stealing a quick kiss, though it might have been a fleeting moment, the exchange still sent chills down her spine.
❝so how about we start now. no secrets, no reservations. tell me what’s been on your mind and how can i help?❞
those three words felt familiar, pulling forth a memory when james himself had been surprised. seemed that the two of them were a lot more similar than he would’ve guessed: they both hid important bits and pieces of who they were and how they felt. they preferred to SUFFER IN SILENCE, leaving the ignorance to everyone else around them.
the longer she spoke, the angrier he got. each self-deprecating word seeped into his skin and burned him, disappointing him with every passing second. he couldn’t understand it nor did he want to. lily evans had always been the girl for him and, even after all of these years, he was still trying to convince her of that fact. “ can you STOP? ”
he quickly stood up, turning around and facing her with a look of disbelief. “ i don’t want you to continue TELLING me, lily … i want you to SHOW me. i want it to be obvious. no questions asked. you look at me and i know. and i don’t, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, want to stand here and listen to you talk about yourself as if you’re anything less than the girl i fell for. ” he stopped talking, his eyes drenched in sadness as his shoulders slumped forward. “ how are we supposed to love each other when we can’t even love ourselves? ”
“ LOOK … i don’t know how to you convince you that you’re the girl i want. i tell you and you don’t believe me. and … and i don’t know how you can convince me that i’m the guy you want because you tell me and i don’t believe you. ”
fear stuck her once more as he spoke, the distance between them adding to the panic that now settled into the pit of her stomach. she was used to confrontation with him, it was practically the foundation of their previous friendship but now that the stakes were much higher she found that a part of herself shied away from it. but if she did so, she’d only give into the weak parts of her that would ultimately ruin whatever chance she had with him.
❝then LET me show you because i may not know how but i sure as hell am willing to figure out a way to do so. i’m sick and tired of walking around eggshells in this whatever we have because i feel like one wrong word and it’ll disappear like some pipedream.❞
her fingers gripped at her hair as she looked away, scrambling for answers to the question that now hung between them, NOW WHAT? with a deep breath the girl closed her eyes and let her hands fall to her side.
❝my name is lilith marie evans. when i was eleven a boy showed me he could make flower petals float, a talent i thought was exclusive to myself. he made me feel special and in a way that’s just what i needed. my sister called me a freak and she broke my heart for the first time, which she’s done several times since then. i’m absolutely terrified of falling in love. i’ve seen what it does to people, how it morphs them into beings only resembling their former selves. i’ve seen love destroy people when accompanied by loss. i’m terrified of loving you the way i do because each day that passes is another day i’m more yours than i am my own. and at the same time i find myself excited by that premise. so i understand why people want it so dearly, i didn’t understand that before. i have more fears than i care to admit but i’ll admit them to you only because you make me feel safe, like there’s nothing i can’t face because i’m never really alone. when i was fifteen i thought i was worthless, even though i looked like i easily shook off the insults thrown my way. confidence can be easy to fake if you’ve practiced long enough. that doesn’t mean i’m not really confident now, i’ve learned to grow into myself but it wasn’t always like that. a part of me began to believe what people would say because it made sense. why else would so many people hate me and people like me without knowing me? there had to be some truth to it. so when you say i talk about myself like less than the girl you fell for, you have to know this is a part of the girl you fell for. all of it is me. i wanted to fall in love with severus, only because i didn’t want him to leave me alone. i wanted to hold onto the sev i knew and i thought that was the best way. sometimes when i smoke i look at the cigarettes and wonder if smoking it will get me closer to my dad, closer to the disease that took him. then i find myself smoking three or four in one sitting, like i’m beckoning it closer. i am kind and i am brave and i am beautiful but there is also this. and it doesn’t go away, i just push it away because i don’t want the negatives to outweigh the amazing positive things in my life. but when i’m scared, it comes back full force. and i AM scared. lately im scared everyday. and its not just because i’m scared of losing you, i’m scared of dying. im scared people that want to harm me will win, i’m scared for my friends, i’m scared of what will happen to you. i’m scared that i won’t be strong enough to fight them and that maybe they are right. i’m scared for everyone losing those they love and for the hate in people.❞
lily shook her head, almost disappointed in herself for rambling nonsensically though she hoped her intentions were clear. she wanted him to know everything if only to understand that she was trying to push her boundaries to fight for him. ❝i can’t show you right now. and that bothers me because i would, i would do it right now if i had to. so for now, i’m just asking you to trust me because i will so everything i can to show you every single day that you are IT for me. i want to be WITH you james, not just standing beside you. i want to know what you think about when you wake up and what crazy ideas you have to save the world and i want to help you carry them out no matter how batshit insane they are. i would run straight into battle wandless if you told me it would be alright in the end. i AM scared but i don’t WANT to be. and i know that i’m supposed to be with you because i’ve never felt this strongly about anything in my life and i can’t explain it, i don’t even have enough words to just… I LOVE YOU JAMES POTTER and i don’t ever want to stop falling in love with you. and when you tell me you love me, i believe you, i promise i do but i’m not going to lie to your face and say there isn’t fear behind my belief but i just think that supports the fact that losing you absolutely terrifies me beyond what i could ever imagine.❞
“ don’t do that. don’t … ” he shut his eyes and took a deep breath, shaking his head as he listened to her defeatist words. he understood that he had been vague, but it hurt him to think that she could easily accept his lack of feelings. it seemed he wasn’t the only one who was insecure. walking forward, he knelt near the edge of the bed so he could look her in the eye. “ when i told you i loved you, i wasn’t lying. I SWEAR. ”
he remained in place for a second, his knees hurting much more than usual due to his weak state. letting a sigh escape his mouth, he stood up, sitting near her on the bed as he pinched the bridge of his nose.
“ when i said i wanted to be non-exclusive, i didn’t mean it. i didn’t sleep with anyone else, i didn’t date anyone else. you were it for me. i just … after so many years of our bullshit, i needed to know that you meant it. ” he looked at the corner where the wall met the floor, another bitter laugh falling free. “ and i can’t tell you how much it hurt to hear that … not a week later, you’d already found someone else. ”
he was so angry back then. so frustrated with himself to think, for even a single second, that maybe she was telling the truth. that maybe she felt the same way. “ after that, i told myself we would never happen, and uh … i felt relaxed. like this huge weight had been lifted. ” he finally turned his gaze toward her, his once lively eyes now hazy and sad. “ then i saw you again and i went back to having no self control. ”
❝i didn’t know.❞ his words shed new light on a situation she’d always seen so clearly, so methodically in a way that warranted no further thought. to her, it didn’t seem so far fetched to consider he might have actually wanted to be be non exclusive, she was no stranger to the way girls looked at him and what with the rumors surrounding the two at the time, it was easy to let herself buy into the gossip. it didn’t excuse her actions and it certainly didn’t erase his pain, it only brought on more guilt than she’d ever experienced before, knowing she’d caused him any sort of pain, the same pain now shining through his gorgeous brown eyes.
❝i didn’t want to see other people either. but i was proud. and scared that if i didn’t agree then that would be it, because in all sincerity still to this day i have no idea why you would want me of all people, knowing you could have any girl in this whole damn school. why pick me when you could easily do so much better. and then i heard about dorcas. and i was angry, unjustly so because at the time you weren’t mine nor did i hold any claim to you. but i was, i was livid because i wanted you, more than anything. so i went to edgar looking for what i wanted in you which was terrible on my part and i am so sorry i ever cause you any degree of pain because that just kills me james.❞
words stumbled past her lips so quickly she could barely hold herself together, her lower lip quivering as she turned to face him, her knee touching his and her eyes glistening with genuine sorrow, her hands frozen halfway between them, unsure if she should touch him or not after what they’d both confessed.
❝i’ve never felt the way i feel about you with anyone. not edgar not benjy, no one. i love you more than i did yesterday and less than i will tomorrow, i’ve meant every word i’ve said from the moment i confessed everything to you. but i’m constantly terrified you’re going to realize i’m this huge mistake, that i don’t live up to what you thought i was going to be and that’s on me because look at what i’ve done now, you can’t even trust me because of some foolish mistake i chose to make. you’re risking your life and you don’t want me beside you and I’M SORRY for not being the girl you deserve to have.❞
“ NO. no, that’s not it at all. i … i don’t know WHY i didn’t tell you. ” the words fell from his mouth without permission, causing him to stop in his tracks as his gaze remained fixed on hers. he needed to be honest with her. he couldn’t keep walking on eggshells, pretending like everything was perfect when he was continually worried. “ that’s a lie. i do know why i didn’t tell you. ”
“ i don’t wanna say it. ” he finally admitted after a moment of silence, an unsteady heat beginning to spread around his eyes. his breathing became hitched as he looked down at the ground. “ you know i care you, i do … but god i can’t … jesus. ” the final word emerged as a whisper, a bitter laugh falling from his lips as he grew angry over how much difficultly he was having. “ i don’t trust you. ”
he had been very careful with their relationship since the beginning, tiptoeing around everything because he was terrified of her changing her mind. he didn’t want to toss his problems in her face for fear of her running the other way. he didn’t care if he lost his position on the team or his title as head boy, yet how could he ask her to risk everything? for him? a boy she never fought for.
“ and i know that i should. and that i’m being stupid insecure all the time, but … sometimes i think we rushed into this. part of it’s my fault. i wanted to be with you so badly that i ignored everything else. i didn’t care … but i do now. ”
I DON’T TRUST YOU.
his words, harsh and cold without ever intending to be misconstrued as such, knocked a breath out of her she wasn’t even aware she was holding in. it was chilling, how suddenly the mood shifted between them and how she could now see in retrospect how hollow their poorly pieced together relationship truly was. though she tried to control her emotions, tears began to cloud her vision and her hands were balled into tight fists, her insecurities bubbling to the surface so quickly it almost made her dizzy.
her heart sank as he spoke, his words registering though only some carried true meaning to her. RUSHED INTO THIS. WANTED TO BE WITH YOU. she desperately wanted to run away, ignore the impending conversation but something kept her rooted to that spot, her eyes transfixed on him and her mind reeling for something to say. she loved him too much to run away from whatever was happening. she wanted to be brave and face the one fear that plagued her ever since she’d opened her arms to james potter.
❝why don’t you trust me? do you not want to be with me anymore? because i can understand that, given everything that we’ve been through i haven’t exactly been the ideal girl and i know i was a real bitch for a long time so if maybe i’m not what you expected or i let you down… i didn’t mean to.❞
“ huh. ” he paused, his brow furrowing in mock thought as he scrunched up a recently folded shirt in his grasp. “ maybe benjy was right. maybe i AM the worst. ” he looked at nothing in particular. it was almost as if he were having an existential crisis right in the middle of the bedroom. “ why else would you be interested in me? i mean you CLEARLY have the SHITTIEST taste in men. ” his eyes crinkled with amusement as he jokingly tossed the recently balled up shirt at her.
his head fell back as he let out a laugh, his feet dragging him backward as he returned back to his pile. picking up a pair of trousers, he hesitated. he had told her about the meeting? OF COURSE HE HAD. james had been incredibly sick and delusional at that moment. he couldn’t remember half of the things that happened. maybe it was better this way? just be HONEST.
there was a long moment of silence as he thought of how to explain it. eventually, after slowly folding more clothes, he started. “ remember when i couldn’t sleep? because i was so busy? ”
“ well … i was so busy because, on top of quidditch and head boy duties … i was also putting together a group. ” a sigh escaped his lips as he turned around and leaned against the dresser. “ it was a bunch of kids and we just … we’ve been discussing what to do. how to fight it. how to fix it. ” he paused. “ i’m sorry i didn’t tell you. ”
he looked defeated when their conversation embarked a new course, almost as if he was not thrilled about speaking of what he had been up to and his hesitance plunged a thousand knives into the girls heart, her lip practically going raw from how forcefully she chewed on the supple flesh. because i was so busy? of course she remembered. she’d lay in bed asleep half the night, tossing and turning due to his absence. other nights she’d stir, unable to slip into a deep slumber only to find him tense beneath her embrace and staring off into nothingness with a hardened expression.
until that moment she’d had a creeping feeling that those were indicators of his growing disdain for her, the tell tale signs of a man losing interest in a woman. how could she be surprised, after all she’d long since thought she was beneath him, like she wasn’t worth the time of day. somehow learning of his plans was almost worse in a way. like he couldn’t confide these thoughts of a rebellion with her because she was not good enough to participate. like she was weak. like he didn’t trust her to fight for what was right.
it was unsettling and she couldn’t bring herself to speak, the words caught in her throat though her mouth opened and closed several times. ❝why didn’t you? TELL ME, i mean. did you not… want me there?❞
it used to be HIS, with HER’S sitting across the common room within walking distance. sometime between their first night together and that very moment, lily had moved in, leaving her old room behind as nothing more than a place for storage. it hadn’t been intentional or pre-planned, but it became an apparent necessity when they both found out they couldn’t sleep without the other present.
so there they relaxed. in THEIR room.
james was walking back and forth, folding laundry and then putting it away as he slowly got back into the groove of things. he was still weak, but it felt more like fatigue than nausea a feeling not unlike quidditch practices that ran too long. “ emmeline keeps trying to fix it, ” he continued, “ but i’m telling you … i don’t think it’s gonna work. I CAN’T STAND THE GUY. i know he’s your friend, but … god what did you ever see in him? ” he chuckled to himself as he tossed another shirt in the drawer.
she sat in THEIR bed, book abandoned on her lap as she watched him move about the room tidying up, her amused expression not reaching her bright green eyes. there was something that had been eating at her for days and she feared if she didn’t speak about it sometime it might blow up in her face sooner rather than later. ❝he’s sweet. he has good taste in music. as a girl, could you really want much else?❞ moving her book onto her bedside table, the girl crawled towards the foot of the bed, fiddling with her fingers now that she sat closer to him.
❝now that you mention em, i was wondering what that thing you guys were doing a couple of weeks ago was about. you know, the day you got hurt? you mentioned a meeting of something but i didn’t get what exactly and she wouldn’t really elaborate on the subject?❞
BULLSHIT. she knew there was a meeting, he’d mentioned it in the infirmary. she also recalled speaking about how he wanted to take action against recent events, what she couldn’t wrap her head around was why he’d been so keen on keeping it from her and now that he looked so much better, she intended on figuring out just that.
his jaw clenched, teeth grinding together as he ultimately failed to suppress his anger. ignoring the fact that he was head boy, he was still someone who deserved to know what his classmates had been through. he wasn’t some weak boy a single piece of antique china that could be demolished with a single mistake. he was a person. letting his gaze fall down as she pressed her lips to his forehead, james relaxed. it wouldn’t do him any good to make a scene, least of all with lily around. she was the only person who’d been honest with him and he couldn’t explain how thankful he was for that. “ stupid? ” he whispered in jest, not because he wanted to keep the word between them, but rather … he couldn’t push himself to be any louder. “ bite your tongue. ”
his gaze steadied on her, his expression soft and genuine despite the sickly appearance. there was a longing in his eyes that couldn’t be faked: it held a certain thankfulness that pained him, because he could never truly pay her back for the things she had given him. then there was the lingering disappointment. the lack of trust that he refused to admit, for it was easier to lie to himself than to be alone with the knowledge that he could’ve have his dream girl if he’d only GROWN A PAIR. “ lily. ” he started. “ you’re my girl, y’know that? … i love you. ”
she could see the anger shining in his eyes yet again she chose to let it pass due to what? fear that he might be upset? anger that he didn’t tell her what he was thinking? anguish that came as a consequence of seeing him frail when she knew very well he was stronger than most? whatever the case, the girl ran her fingers lovingly through his raven locks and let the anger melt away with one fleeting gaze at his face. she wanted to focus on him in that moment, helping him feel better. ❝comes in handy now and then when i want to impress you. i actually opened my copy of quidditch history, all to amuse you. whatever are you doing to me JAMES POTTER?❞
❝i do know that, ❞ their words were hushed, almost like what was said was too special to be spoken freely just in case someone was listening, like their moment was to be stolen abruptly as had been the case many times prior. her eyes shined with hope, longing for what they could be though a darkness creeped around the edges; heaps of self doubt and fear weighed on the girl, restraining her in many ways around him and it only cause harm, picking at a wound that was growing with each passing day. ❝I LOVE YOU, TOO. i’m all yours james, there’s no where else i’d rather be than right here with you.❞
he looked comically taken aback. “ EXCUSE ME? ” his tone emerged as if she’d just insulted his trousers or called his hair stupid. he hadn’t meant to appear funny, though to a random passerby, the conversation may have seem more casual than anything else. “ you can’t just wave that off … you fought a TROLL? ”
then she turned the tables on him, asking him a question that he should’ve no doubt prepared for. he didn’t want to lie. he wouldn’t. but he also didn’t want to tell her the truth either. “ i’m sorry. ” he admitted, his expression falling after not having realized how worried she must’ve been. if he had thought for a single second that she would’ve been in any danger, he would’ve gone out of his mind. apparently he’d been wrong. she hadn’t been safe in the common room.
“ i uh … i was with emmeline. and eh … and peter and, ” his voice trailed off as he took a deep breath. he was incredibly tired and he wanted nothing more than to sleep; if not to get some rest, then surely to escape the conversation. “ a bunch of us were having a meeting about what to do about all the attacks. ironic, isn’t it? feels sort of like a message, y’know? BUT I’M ALIVE, so … guess i’m holdin’ up better than i could’ve been. ”
❝ TWO apparently. acromantula’s as well and whatever it is your lot faced. that’s all i’ve gathered so far, dumbledore’s keeping it pretty hush hush while they do some digging around into what happened. ❞
the girl shook her head quickly, gripping his hand firmly now (though not too tight as she still feared to hurt him in any way) ❝hey, no apologizing. you didn’t know what was going on.❞ her brows furrowed as he vaguely explained where he was that evening, his breathing labored as he went through the motions of recounting what happened. his words stuck with her, the mention of a meeting and the subject of said gathering taking a stab at her already delicate soul. though she wanted to press the matter further, his weak disposition took precedence so she bottled up whatever negative emotions might surface and mustered up a soft smile before leaning forward and pressing a gentle kiss atop his forehead. ❝ nevermind that. you’re alive and i’m damn glad you are. what would i do without you, huh? who’s gonna keep me warm at night or annoy me with stupid quidditch facts? who’s going to keep my ego in check and distract me from rounds? can’t have you disappearing on me just yet.
❞
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