❝she was a beautiful dreamer.
the kind of girl who
kept her head in the clouds,
loved above the S T A R S
and left regret beneath the EARTH
she walked on.❞
those three words felt familiar, pulling forth a memory when james himself had been surprised. seemed that the two of them were a lot more similar than he would’ve guessed: they both hid important bits and pieces of who they were and how they felt. they preferred to SUFFER IN SILENCE, leaving the ignorance to everyone else around them.
the longer she spoke, the angrier he got. each self-deprecating word seeped into his skin and burned him, disappointing him with every passing second. he couldn’t understand it nor did he want to. lily evans had always been the girl for him and, even after all of these years, he was still trying to convince her of that fact. “ can you STOP? ”
he quickly stood up, turning around and facing her with a look of disbelief. “ i don’t want you to continue TELLING me, lily … i want you to SHOW me. i want it to be obvious. no questions asked. you look at me and i know. and i don’t, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, want to stand here and listen to you talk about yourself as if you’re anything less than the girl i fell for. ” he stopped talking, his eyes drenched in sadness as his shoulders slumped forward. “ how are we supposed to love each other when we can’t even love ourselves? ”
“ LOOK … i don’t know how to you convince you that you’re the girl i want. i tell you and you don’t believe me. and … and i don’t know how you can convince me that i’m the guy you want because you tell me and i don’t believe you. ”
fear stuck her once more as he spoke, the distance between them adding to the panic that now settled into the pit of her stomach. she was used to confrontation with him, it was practically the foundation of their previous friendship but now that the stakes were much higher she found that a part of herself shied away from it. but if she did so, she’d only give into the weak parts of her that would ultimately ruin whatever chance she had with him.
❝then LET me show you because i may not know how but i sure as hell am willing to figure out a way to do so. i’m sick and tired of walking around eggshells in this whatever we have because i feel like one wrong word and it’ll disappear like some pipedream.❞
her fingers gripped at her hair as she looked away, scrambling for answers to the question that now hung between them, NOW WHAT? with a deep breath the girl closed her eyes and let her hands fall to her side.
❝my name is lilith marie evans. when i was eleven a boy showed me he could make flower petals float, a talent i thought was exclusive to myself. he made me feel special and in a way that’s just what i needed. my sister called me a freak and she broke my heart for the first time, which she’s done several times since then. i’m absolutely terrified of falling in love. i’ve seen what it does to people, how it morphs them into beings only resembling their former selves. i’ve seen love destroy people when accompanied by loss. i’m terrified of loving you the way i do because each day that passes is another day i’m more yours than i am my own. and at the same time i find myself excited by that premise. so i understand why people want it so dearly, i didn’t understand that before. i have more fears than i care to admit but i’ll admit them to you only because you make me feel safe, like there’s nothing i can’t face because i’m never really alone. when i was fifteen i thought i was worthless, even though i looked like i easily shook off the insults thrown my way. confidence can be easy to fake if you’ve practiced long enough. that doesn’t mean i’m not really confident now, i’ve learned to grow into myself but it wasn’t always like that. a part of me began to believe what people would say because it made sense. why else would so many people hate me and people like me without knowing me? there had to be some truth to it. so when you say i talk about myself like less than the girl you fell for, you have to know this is a part of the girl you fell for. all of it is me. i wanted to fall in love with severus, only because i didn’t want him to leave me alone. i wanted to hold onto the sev i knew and i thought that was the best way. sometimes when i smoke i look at the cigarettes and wonder if smoking it will get me closer to my dad, closer to the disease that took him. then i find myself smoking three or four in one sitting, like i’m beckoning it closer. i am kind and i am brave and i am beautiful but there is also this. and it doesn’t go away, i just push it away because i don’t want the negatives to outweigh the amazing positive things in my life. but when i’m scared, it comes back full force. and i AM scared. lately im scared everyday. and its not just because i’m scared of losing you, i’m scared of dying. im scared people that want to harm me will win, i’m scared for my friends, i’m scared of what will happen to you. i’m scared that i won’t be strong enough to fight them and that maybe they are right. i’m scared for everyone losing those they love and for the hate in people.❞
lily shook her head, almost disappointed in herself for rambling nonsensically though she hoped her intentions were clear. she wanted him to know everything if only to understand that she was trying to push her boundaries to fight for him. ❝i can’t show you right now. and that bothers me because i would, i would do it right now if i had to. so for now, i’m just asking you to trust me because i will so everything i can to show you every single day that you are IT for me. i want to be WITH you james, not just standing beside you. i want to know what you think about when you wake up and what crazy ideas you have to save the world and i want to help you carry them out no matter how batshit insane they are. i would run straight into battle wandless if you told me it would be alright in the end. i AM scared but i don’t WANT to be. and i know that i’m supposed to be with you because i’ve never felt this strongly about anything in my life and i can’t explain it, i don’t even have enough words to just… I LOVE YOU JAMES POTTER and i don’t ever want to stop falling in love with you. and when you tell me you love me, i believe you, i promise i do but i’m not going to lie to your face and say there isn’t fear behind my belief but i just think that supports the fact that losing you absolutely terrifies me beyond what i could ever imagine.❞
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