❝she was a beautiful dreamer.
the kind of girl who
kept her head in the clouds,
loved above the S T A R S
and left regret beneath the EARTH
she walked on.❞
“ don’t do that. don’t … ” he shut his eyes and took a deep breath, shaking his head as he listened to her defeatist words. he understood that he had been vague, but it hurt him to think that she could easily accept his lack of feelings. it seemed he wasn’t the only one who was insecure. walking forward, he knelt near the edge of the bed so he could look her in the eye. “ when i told you i loved you, i wasn’t lying. I SWEAR. ”
he remained in place for a second, his knees hurting much more than usual due to his weak state. letting a sigh escape his mouth, he stood up, sitting near her on the bed as he pinched the bridge of his nose.
“ when i said i wanted to be non-exclusive, i didn’t mean it. i didn’t sleep with anyone else, i didn’t date anyone else. you were it for me. i just … after so many years of our bullshit, i needed to know that you meant it. ” he looked at the corner where the wall met the floor, another bitter laugh falling free. “ and i can’t tell you how much it hurt to hear that … not a week later, you’d already found someone else. ”
he was so angry back then. so frustrated with himself to think, for even a single second, that maybe she was telling the truth. that maybe she felt the same way. “ after that, i told myself we would never happen, and uh … i felt relaxed. like this huge weight had been lifted. ” he finally turned his gaze toward her, his once lively eyes now hazy and sad. “ then i saw you again and i went back to having no self control. ”
❝i didn’t know.❞ his words shed new light on a situation she’d always seen so clearly, so methodically in a way that warranted no further thought. to her, it didn’t seem so far fetched to consider he might have actually wanted to be be non exclusive, she was no stranger to the way girls looked at him and what with the rumors surrounding the two at the time, it was easy to let herself buy into the gossip. it didn’t excuse her actions and it certainly didn’t erase his pain, it only brought on more guilt than she’d ever experienced before, knowing she’d caused him any sort of pain, the same pain now shining through his gorgeous brown eyes.
❝i didn’t want to see other people either. but i was proud. and scared that if i didn’t agree then that would be it, because in all sincerity still to this day i have no idea why you would want me of all people, knowing you could have any girl in this whole damn school. why pick me when you could easily do so much better. and then i heard about dorcas. and i was angry, unjustly so because at the time you weren’t mine nor did i hold any claim to you. but i was, i was livid because i wanted you, more than anything. so i went to edgar looking for what i wanted in you which was terrible on my part and i am so sorry i ever cause you any degree of pain because that just kills me james.❞
words stumbled past her lips so quickly she could barely hold herself together, her lower lip quivering as she turned to face him, her knee touching his and her eyes glistening with genuine sorrow, her hands frozen halfway between them, unsure if she should touch him or not after what they’d both confessed.
❝i’ve never felt the way i feel about you with anyone. not edgar not benjy, no one. i love you more than i did yesterday and less than i will tomorrow, i’ve meant every word i’ve said from the moment i confessed everything to you. but i’m constantly terrified you’re going to realize i’m this huge mistake, that i don’t live up to what you thought i was going to be and that’s on me because look at what i’ve done now, you can’t even trust me because of some foolish mistake i chose to make. you’re risking your life and you don’t want me beside you and I’M SORRY for not being the girl you deserve to have.❞
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