hopelessly hopeful
LILITH MARIE EVANS
Lily Evans
head girl

❝she was a beautiful dreamer. the kind of girl who kept her head in the clouds, loved above the
S T A R S and left regret beneath the EARTH she walked on.❞

roxcnne: ✘ ✿ & ♀ (james)

Send “✘” for a HATEFUL text.

[ sent – 6:00 p.m. ]: i don’t know why i ever bothered. 
[ sent – 10:00 p.m. ]: don’t wait up tonight.

Send “✿” for a SUGGESTIVE text. 

[ sent – 7:00 p.m. ]: hypothetical question
[ sent – 7:10 p.m. ]: if i happened to be lounging around our room in NOTHING but your favorite quidditch jersey, would you cancel practice for the evening?

Send “&” for a LOVING text.

[ sent – 4:00 p.m. ]: hey wonderboy.
[ sent – 4:00 p.m. ]: i know i’ve probably said it enough lately but you make me smile. you’re like my personal ray of sunshine in a sea of uncertainty. 
[ sent – 4:00 p.m. ]: i love you. 

Send “♀” for a HEARTBREAKING text. 

[ sent – 4:00 a.m. ]: there’s no way out. i don’t… i don’t think i’m making it out of here…. listen i just…
[ sent – 4:10 a.m. ]: i‘m sorry i didn’t tell you i loved you sooner.
[ sent – 4:11 a.m. ]: i’m sorry we’ll never say “i do” 
[ sent – 4:12 a.m. ]: i‘m sorry we won’t get to grow old together so i can nag you about you leaving your dirty socks on the floor or bicker about what theme our holiday cards will have.
[ sent – 4:13 a.m. ]: i‘m sorry we won’t get the chance to see our baby off on his first day of hogwarts.
[ sent – 4:15 a.m. ]: i‘m sorry we won’t be able to stay up till late talking about our dreams and our adventures.
[ sent – 4:20 a.m. ]: i‘m sorry i won’t have a lifetime of loving you.
[ sent – 4:25 a.m. ]: but i love you more than i ever dreamed of loving anyone James Potter.

ppcttigrew:

“I wouldn’t dream of it,” he said, pulling his feet in to make more room for her. Pete wasn’t sure if James had told her what had happened to them yet or not, but he certainly didn’t want to be the one to break it to her. “Is that what this place does to us? We’re so bored we’re making up games to stay awake?” He chuckled, though the statement came out more bitter than he intended. Peter hated staying there, he missed his bed and he was restless. He needed answers. “Uh–yeah. We can do that.”

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❝ when i was here, i had to resort to talking to pomfrey about the benefits of muggle remedies versus magical solutions so trust me, games are a step up.❞ lily offered a meek smile, her eyes clearly showing how well she understood his position. being confined to the infirmary was worse than any sort of punishment or torture, mostly because you were either forced to combat your nightmares or sort through your darkest thoughts, and neither was quite appetizing. ❝so, how about this. we each throw down a random card at the same time. when we draw the same card, the last one to touch the other’s card is forced to take the deck. the goal is to end up with the least amount of cards. sound good?❞

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3 Weeks || Post-Beasts

jpcttr:

james was never as good with words as lily was.
            she had a gift when it came to speaking her mind and making complete sense. oftentimes when james spoke, he ended up confusing everyone, including himself. he knew what he felt. he knew his hopes and his dreams and his fears, but he could never truly transfer them into script.
                   he was a man who spoke with his eyes and his gestures. when he was angry, he kept his distance. when he loved someone, he remained close. it was as simple and straightforward as that. but at that moment he remained frozen, unsure of which gesture to make. of which expression to wear

she was telling him things he had never known.
               not even a guess would’ve led him to those revelations and that made him lost. james thought he knew her and he was only now realizing that, despite how confident he had been in the matter, she was still a person with secrets. did he put her on a pedestal? was this his own doing?

after a moment of hesitation, he took a step forward, and then another, eventually taking a seat back on the bed as he reached for her hand. leaning back against his pillow and pulling her against his chest, he began to trace various shapes along her back with his fingertips. 

“ i don’t know where to start. ”
           he whispered, his lips lost within her red hair as he kissed the top of her head. 
                                                                         “ we’re gonna be okay. ”

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“ … or maybe not. my ideas really ARE batshit. not safe … AT ALL. ”
                             he smiled softly and to himself, letting his eyes shut once more as a sigh escaped his mouth. he and lily weren’t finished talking. not even close, really. yet even after everything that was said, he still felt comfortable sitting there with her in his arms. 
              “ lily       we’re young. we’re not supposed to know what the hell’s going on, but … at least with you, i feel like i have SOME semblance of an idea … did i use that word right? never mind. ” his smile remained steady and soft as he ran through the words in his mind. 

“ i want you to know that you can always be honest with me.
                      being afraid and having problems is universal. it’s not going to make me care for you any less. we need to stop pretending to be perfect because we’re not. NOT EVEN CLOSE. we … we fell for each other at a very dark time in our lives. it’s not gonna be easy and i think that’s why we need each other, because despite all of the horrible things that are happening right now, there is still light out there … my friends are mine. my family is mine. and you … you are mine. i guess i’ve grown possessive of the good things in my life. ” 

he stopped speaking for a moment,
                   his eyes fluttering open as he surveyed the ceiling above him. he thought silently of how the most romantic of stories were drenched in sadness and heartbreak. perhaps it was their turn to reap the happiness they now deserved. “ if you say you won’t leave me. that you’ll stay by my side … then i’ll believe you. ”

❝we’ll be okay.❞ she nodded, repeating his words as she settled into his arms, cuddling up closer him and resting her cheek against his chest as her eyes fluttered shut, her heart beat quickly normalizing now that she felt his embrace. ❝even when we’re not, i don’t want to leave. I’m sorry for how i’ve handled things in the past. it wasn’t how i should have dealt with it and you didn’t deserve for me to do that to you, but i will be better. like this, just talking through things, no matter how hard it is sometimes.❞

❝i feel like we just have to start over in a way. because to trust each other we have to know each other, and we only know some bits. and we’re still kids but we’re getting thrown into a situation where we have to act like we’re so much older than we are and i still want to be a kid with you, i want to make stupid mistakes, have sex like love sick bunnies, drink and play cards till sunrise. i want to be in a relationship with my best friend and have these happy moments where i’m completely comfortable but i also just want us to be a team because things aren’t getting easier any time soon. so i hope you can forgive me for  what happened when we started dating. and thank you for believing that i’m going to be right here from now on.❞ a soft smile slowly crept onto her features as she propped herself up onto her shoulders, glancing down at him before stealing a quick kiss, though it might have been a fleeting moment, the exchange still sent chills down her spine. 

❝so how about we start now. no secrets, no reservations. tell me what’s been on your mind and how can i help?❞

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(Source: mikkeljensen)


They see me as they want to see
he saw me as me


3 Weeks || Post-Beasts

jpcttr:

those three words felt familiar,
            pulling forth a memory when james himself had been surprised. seemed that the two of them were a lot more similar than he would’ve guessed: they both hid important bits and pieces of who they were and how they felt. they preferred to SUFFER IN SILENCE, leaving the ignorance to everyone else around them. 

         the longer she spoke, the angrier he got.
                     each self-deprecating word seeped into his skin and burned him,
                                              disappointing him with every passing second.
he couldn’t understand it nor did he want to.
lily evans had always been the girl for him and, even after all of these
                                       years, he was still trying to convince her of that fact. 
                                                          “ can you STOP? ”

he quickly stood up, turning around and facing her with a look of disbelief.
         “ i don’t want you to continue TELLING me, lily … i want you to SHOW me. i want it to be obvious. no questions asked. you look at me and i know. and i don’t, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, want to stand here and listen to you talk about yourself as if you’re anything less than the girl i fell for. ” he stopped talking, his eyes drenched in sadness as his shoulders slumped forward. “ how are we supposed to love each other when we can’t even love ourselves? ”

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            “ LOOK … i don’t know how to you convince you that you’re the girl i want.
              i tell you and you don’t believe me.
and … and i don’t know how you can convince me that i’m the guy you want
                                   because you tell me and i don’t believe you. ”

fear stuck her once more as he spoke, the distance between them adding to 
the panic that now settled into the pit of her stomach. she was used to 
confrontation with him, it was practically the foundation of their previous 
friendship but now that the stakes were much higher she found that a part
of herself shied away from it. but if she did so, she’d only give into the weak
parts of her that would ultimately ruin whatever chance she had with him. 

❝then LET me show you because i may not know how but i sure
as hell am willing to figure out a way to do so. i’m sick and tired of
walking around eggshells in this whatever we have because i feel
like one wrong word and it’ll disappear like some pipedream.❞

her fingers gripped at her hair as she looked away, scrambling for 
answers to the question that now hung between them, NOW WHAT?
with a deep breath the girl closed her eyes and let her hands fall to her 
side. 

❝my name is lilith marie evans. when i was eleven a boy showed me
he could make flower petals float, a talent i thought was exclusive to 
myself. he made me feel special and in a way that’s just what i needed.
my sister called me a freak and she broke my heart for the 
first time, which she’s done several times since then. i’m absolutely
terrified of falling in love. i’ve seen what it does to people, how it 
morphs them into beings only resembling their former selves. i’ve 
seen love destroy people when accompanied by loss. i’m terrified
of loving you the way i do because each day that passes is another
day i’m more yours than i am my own. and at the same time i find 
myself excited by that premise. so i understand why people want it
so dearly, i didn’t understand that before. i have more fears than i 
care to admit but i’ll admit them to you only because you make me 
feel safe, like there’s nothing i can’t face because i’m never really
alone. when i was fifteen i thought i was worthless, even though i 
looked like i easily shook off the insults thrown my way. confidence
can be easy to fake if you’ve practiced long enough. that doesn’t mean
i’m not really confident now, i’ve learned to grow into myself but it
wasn’t always like that. a part of me began to believe what people would
say because it made sense. why else would so many people hate me and
people like me without knowing me? there had to be some truth to it.
so when you say i talk about myself like less than the girl you fell for, you
have to know this is a part of the girl you fell for. all of it is me. i wanted to
fall in love with severus, only because i didn’t want him to leave me alone.
i wanted to hold onto the sev i knew and i thought that was the best way.
sometimes when i smoke i look at the cigarettes and wonder if smoking
it will get me closer to my dad, closer to the disease that took him. then
i find myself smoking three or four in one sitting, like i’m beckoning it closer.
i am kind and i am brave and i am beautiful but there is also this. and it
doesn’t go away, i just push it away because i don’t want the negatives to 
outweigh the amazing positive things in my life. but when i’m scared, it 
comes back full force. and i AM scared. lately im scared everyday. and
its not just because i’m scared of losing you, i’m scared of dying. im scared
people that want to harm me will win, i’m scared for my friends, i’m scared
of what will happen to you. i’m scared that i won’t be strong enough to fight
them and that maybe they are right. i’m scared for everyone losing those they
love and for the hate in people.❞

lily shook her head, almost disappointed in herself for rambling nonsensically
though she hoped her intentions were clear. she wanted him to know everything
if only to understand that she was trying to push her boundaries to fight for him. ❝i can’t
show you right now. and that bothers me because i would, i would do it right now if i had to.
so for now, i’m just asking you to trust me because i will so everything i can to show you every
single day that you are IT for me. i want to be WITH you james, not just standing beside you.
i want to know what you think about when you wake up and what crazy ideas you have to save
the world and i want to help you carry them out no matter how batshit insane they are. i would
run straight into battle wandless if you told me it would be alright in the end. i AM scared but i
don’t WANT to be. and i know that i’m supposed to be with you because i’ve never felt this
strongly about anything in my life and i can’t explain it, i don’t even have enough words to just…
I LOVE YOU JAMES POTTER and i don’t ever want to stop falling in love with you. and when
you tell me you love me, i believe you, i promise i do but i’m not going to lie to your face and
say there isn’t fear behind my belief but i just think that supports the fact that losing you
absolutely terrifies me beyond what i could ever imagine.❞

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3 Weeks || Post-Beasts

jpcttr:

“ don’t do that. don’t … ”
    he shut his eyes and took a deep breath,
               shaking his head as he listened to her defeatist words.
he understood that he had been vague,
        but it hurt him to think that she could easily accept his lack of feelings.
it seemed he wasn’t the only one who was insecure.
 walking forward, he knelt near the edge of the bed so he could look her in the eye. 
                          “ when i told you i loved you, i wasn’t lying. I SWEAR. ”

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     he remained in place for a second,
     his knees hurting much more than usual due to his weak state.
letting a sigh escape his mouth, he stood up,
                   sitting near her on the bed as he pinched the bridge of his nose. 

“ when i said i wanted to be non-exclusive,
                 i didn’t mean it.
i didn’t sleep with anyone else, i didn’t date anyone else.
       you were it for me. i just … after so many years of our bullshit,
                     i needed to know that you meant it. ”
        he looked at the corner where the wall met the floor,
                another bitter laugh falling free. 
“ and i can’t tell you how much it hurt to hear that … not a week later,
                                 you’d already found someone else. ”

           he was so angry back then. so frustrated with himself to think,
for even a single second, that maybe she was telling the truth.
             that maybe she felt the same way. 
“ after that, i told myself we would never happen, and uh … i felt relaxed.
                     like this huge weight had been lifted. ”
                                                   he finally turned his gaze toward her,
          his once lively eyes now hazy and sad.
                “ then i saw you again and i went back to having no self control. ”

❝i didn’t know.❞ his words shed new light on a situation she’d always
seen so clearly, so methodically in a way that warranted no further thought.
to her, it didn’t seem so far fetched to consider he might have actually wanted
to be be non exclusive, she was no stranger to the way girls looked at him and
what with the rumors surrounding the two at the time, it was easy to let herself
buy into the gossip. it didn’t excuse her actions and it certainly didn’t erase his
pain, it only brought on more guilt than she’d ever experienced before, knowing
she’d caused him any sort of pain, the same pain now shining through his
gorgeous brown eyes. 

❝i didn’t want to see other people either. but i was proud. and scared that if i didn’t agree
then that would be it, because in all sincerity still to this day i have no idea why you would
want me of all people, knowing you could have any girl in this whole damn school. why pick
me when you could easily do so much better. and then i heard about dorcas. and i was angry,
unjustly so because at the time you weren’t mine nor did i hold any claim to you. but i was, i
was livid because i wanted you, more than anything. so i went to edgar looking for what i wanted
in you which was terrible on my part and i am so sorry i ever cause you any degree of pain because
that just kills me james.❞ 

words stumbled past her lips so quickly she could barely hold herself together, her lower lip
quivering as she turned to face him, her knee touching his and her eyes glistening with genuine
sorrow, her hands frozen halfway between them, unsure if she should touch him or not after
what they’d both confessed. 

❝i’ve never felt the way i feel about you with anyone. not edgar not benjy, no one. i love you
more than i did yesterday and less than i will tomorrow, i’ve meant every word i’ve said from
the moment i confessed everything to you. but i’m constantly terrified you’re going to realize
i’m this huge mistake, that i don’t live up to what you thought i was going to be and that’s on
me because look at what i’ve done now, you can’t even trust me because of some foolish
mistake i chose to make. you’re risking your life and you don’t want me beside you and
I’M SORRY for not being the girl you deserve to have.❞

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3 Weeks || Post-Beasts

jpcttr:

NO. no, that’s not it at all. i … i don’t know WHY i didn’t tell you. ”
          the words fell from his mouth without permission,
 causing him to stop in his tracks as his gaze remained fixed on hers.
he needed to be honest with her.
             he couldn’t keep walking on eggshells,
       pretending like everything was perfect when he was continually worried. 
                               “ that’s a lie. i do know why i didn’t tell you. ” 

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           “ i don’t wanna say it. ”
he finally admitted after a moment of silence,
      an unsteady heat beginning to spread around his eyes.
              his breathing became hitched as he looked down at the ground. 
“ you know i care you, i do … but god i can’t … jesus. ”
         the final word emerged as a whisper,
a bitter laugh falling from his lips as he grew angry
                       over how much difficultly he was having. “ i don’t trust you. ”

       he had been very careful with their relationship since the beginning,
                tiptoeing around everything because he was terrified of her changing her mind.
 he didn’t want to toss his problems in her face for fear of her running the other way.
          he didn’t care if he lost his position on the team or his title as head boy,
            yet how could he ask her to risk everything?
                                                    for him? a boy she never fought for.

“ and i know that i should.
      and that i’m being stupid insecure all the time,
but … sometimes i think we rushed into this. part of it’s my fault.
                    i wanted to be with you so badly that i ignored everything else.
                                i didn’t care … but i do now.  ”

I DON’T TRUST YOU. 

his words, harsh and cold without ever intending to be misconstrued
as such, knocked a breath out of her she wasn’t even aware she was
holding in. it was chilling, how suddenly the mood shifted between them
and how she could now see in retrospect how hollow their poorly 
pieced together relationship truly was. though she tried to control her
emotions, tears began to cloud her vision and her hands were balled
into tight fists, her insecurities bubbling to the surface so quickly it almost
made her dizzy. 

her heart sank as he spoke, his words registering though
only some carried true meaning to her. RUSHED INTO THIS. WANTED TO
BE WITH YOU.
she desperately wanted to run away, ignore the impending
conversation but something kept her rooted to that spot, her eyes transfixed
on him and her mind reeling for something to say. she loved him too much
to run away from whatever was happening. she wanted to be brave and face
the one fear that plagued her ever since she’d opened her arms to james potter. 

❝why don’t you trust me?  do you not want to be with me anymore? because i can
understand that, given everything that we’ve been through i haven’t exactly been the
ideal girl and i know i was a real bitch for a long time so if maybe i’m not what you
expected or i let you down… i didn’t mean to.❞

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3 Weeks || Post-Beasts

jpcttr:

           “ huh. ” he paused,
his brow furrowing in mock thought as he scrunched
           up a recently folded shirt in his grasp. 
                              “ maybe benjy was right. maybe i AM the worst. ”
                                        he looked at nothing in particular.
it was almost as if he were having an existential crisis right in the middle of the bedroom.
            “ why else would you be interested in me?
                        i mean you CLEARLY have the SHITTIEST taste in men. ”
his eyes crinkled with amusement as he jokingly tossed the recently balled up shirt at her. 

his head fell back as he let out a laugh,
                 his feet dragging him backward as he returned back to his pile.
                                 picking up a pair of trousers, he hesitated.
              he had told her about the meeting?
                          OF COURSE HE HAD.
                          james had been incredibly sick and delusional at that moment.
he couldn’t remember half of the things that happened.
                                     maybe it was better this way? just be HONEST

    there was a long moment of silence as he thought of how to explain it.
eventually, after slowly folding more clothes, he started.
                                “ remember when i couldn’t sleep? because i was so busy? ” 

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  “ well … i was so busy because,
           on top of quidditch and head boy duties … i was also putting together a group. ”
a sigh escaped his lips as he turned around and leaned against the dresser. 
               “ it was a bunch of kids and we just
… we’ve been discussing what to do. how to fight it. how to fix it. ”
                                        he paused. “ i’m sorry i didn’t tell you. ”

he looked defeated when their conversation embarked a new
course, almost as if he was not thrilled about speaking of what
he had been up to and his hesitance plunged a thousand knives
into the girls heart, her lip practically going raw from how forcefully
she chewed on the supple flesh. because i was so busy? of course
she remembered. she’d lay in bed asleep half the night, tossing and
turning due to his absence. other nights she’d stir, unable to slip into
a deep slumber only to find him tense beneath her embrace and staring
off into nothingness with a hardened expression. 

until that moment she’d had a creeping feeling that those were indicators of his
growing disdain for her, the tell tale signs of a man losing interest in a woman. 
how could she be surprised, after all she’d long since thought she was
beneath him, like she wasn’t worth the time of day. somehow learning
of his plans was almost worse in a way. like he couldn’t confide these
thoughts of a rebellion with her because she was not good enough to
participate. like she was weak.
like he didn’t trust her to fight for what was right.

it was unsettling and she couldn’t bring herself to speak, the
words caught in her throat though her mouth opened and closed several
times. ❝why didn’t you? TELL ME, i mean. did you not… want me there?❞

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3 Weeks || Post-Beasts

jpcttr:

it was THEIR room now. 

                  it used to be HIS,
with HER’S sitting across the common room within walking distance.
                               sometime between their first night together and that very moment,
          lily had moved in,
 leaving her old room behind as nothing more than a place for storage.
                  it hadn’t been intentional or pre-planned,
       but it became an apparent necessity when they both found
                                                 out they couldn’t sleep without the other present. 

so there they relaxed.
                             in THEIR room.

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                                      james was walking back and forth,
folding laundry and then putting it away as he slowly got back into the groove of things.
                  he was still weak, but it felt more like fatigue than nausea 
                                            a feeling not unlike quidditch practices that ran too long. 
                   “ emmeline keeps trying to fix it, ” he continued, 
“ but i’m telling you … i don’t think it’s gonna work.
               I CAN’T STAND THE GUY.
 i know he’s your friend, but … god what did you ever see in him? ”
                          he chuckled to himself as he tossed another shirt in the drawer. 

@xo-lilithmarie

she sat in THEIR bed, book abandoned on her lap as she
watched him move about the room tidying up, her amused 
expression not reaching her bright green eyes. there was
something that had been eating at her for days and she
feared if she didn’t speak about it sometime it might blow up
in her face  sooner rather than later. ❝he’s sweet. he has 
good taste in music. as a girl, could you really want much else?❞
moving her book onto her bedside table, the girl crawled 
towards the foot of the bed, fiddling with her fingers now that
she sat closer to him. 

❝now that you mention em, i was wondering what that thing you guys were doing
a couple of weeks ago was about. you know, the day you got hurt? you mentioned
a meeting of something but i didn’t get what exactly and she wouldn’t really
elaborate on the subject?❞

BULLSHIT. she knew there was a meeting, he’d mentioned it in the infirmary.
she also recalled speaking about how he wanted to take action against
recent events, what she couldn’t wrap her head around was why
he’d been so keen on keeping it from her and now that he looked
so much better, she intended on figuring out just that. 

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MUSE A — Bacon ipsum dolor amet pork in excepteur velit laboris mollit quis pariatur veniam dolor ut culpa tempor dolore. Fugiat laboris dolor sirloin ea, tail short loin andouille proident lorem pancetta pig. Dolore swine sirloin do fatback est, salami pancetta esse dolore leberkas ham. Enim pork chop sirloin, aliqua ad nisi spare ribs veniam id.

MUSE B — Sirloin filet mignon voluptate aliquip magna. Tail shank do culpa tenderloin, consequat in ad jowl shoulder swine. Beef ribs kielbasa jowl, in short loin nulla pork loin. Anim porchetta do jowl, drumstick pastrami meatball alcatra fugiat ham hock ut duis dolore in. Non dolore cow nisi strip steak, bresaola pork chop sausage ipsum dolor.

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